Death, actually

[kowaiyoukai]

http://www.livejournal.com/users/michaelmalfoy/53880.html

So I’ve just found out that Michael Serpent died. I’ve only ever read “Milk is My Sugar”, although “The Golden Snitch” has been on my reading list for a while now. I can’t believe it.



Does it seem completely fucked up to say that I’m more upset over his stories never being finished then by the fact that he’s dead? Probably. Oh well. I can’t mourn over someone I never knew, but this got me thinking.

It was mentioned in the journal that he died of an illness, and that he specifically wanted people to know that it wasn’t suicide. A large number of people I know who are in the fandom, both in RL and online, have had issues with suicide.

Is this a fandom thing? I mean, obviously everyone needs an escape from reality. The HP fandom is one of the best ones I’ve found. There’s so many people, and you form such close connections to the people that it doesn’t even matter that you’ve never met them in RL. (And how funny is that term, Real Life, especially when a lot of people consider their online lives to be just as important as their RL ones, in the fandom at least. Is that a backhanded way of reminding people that the internet isn’t as important as RL? But it is, to me at least. Some of the most important people I’ve met, I’ve met online. Does the fact that I’ve never seen those people face-to-face make those friendships any less real?)

So many people are a part of the HP fandom that it’s impossible to know them all. Even knowing everyone who likes H/D is near impossible. So I can’t say with complete certainty that everyone in the fandom has had times when they’ve wanted to commit suicide.

But a lot of people I know have. Why is that? If RL is bad enough that you throw yourself completely into the HP fandom in order to escape from reality (as opposed to throwing yourself completely into the fandom because you love the characters and the other people already in it), then what can other online people do to help? It’s a circular question, I think. Since most fans have no interaction with others in RL, it would be impossible to intervene if someone wanted to kill themselves.

I do think that, at one point or another, everyone has wanted to commit suicide. Whether they admit it or not, it’s just one of those things that happens. Life sucks, and you think about killing yourself. For most people, it doesn’t go beyond that. But what happens when people actually attempt suicide? Is there any way we can help circumvent that?

I know I’ve thought about suicide a few times. I think most people I know have. It’s not really a bad thing, in my opinion, as long as you only think about it. Sort of like thinking about raping or killing someone. Yes, you might want to, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it.

And then, just when everyone wants to kill themselves and no one does, someone important to the HP fandom actually dies. Not from suicide, but from an illness. And then you realize just how precious life really is, and just how much the people around you mean to you, and maybe you should stay alive after all, if only to finish reading that fic you started the other day, or to talk to someone one more time.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess I’m hoping for something that’s never going to happen. It’s odd, isn’t it? That you can feel something so deeply and be so unattached at the same time. I feel like I’m dishonoring his memory, or something.

But then what is there to dishonor? He gave us some great H/D fics, and a lot of people knew him and loved him. That’s all that counts in my book. I did cry while writing this, by the way. Only a little, but I’ll admit it.

My hand’s shaking because I started to think about this all. Any one of us could die tonight, or tomorrow. Any one. Why are we wasting time with frivolities and inconsequential bullshit?

I guess I don’t know.

I feel like I should write something else, but I don’t know what.

Does it matter?

Comments

[ice-is-blue.livejournal.com]

Does it matter?
In the general sense of the question, yes, I think it does. Though, if you're speaking directly to writing... no, it doesn't matter what you write so long as you do.

In regards to the higher percentage of suicide-sensitive persons in the fandom, I think more than being an HP fandom thing, it's an LJ/Internet thing. Those of us who write and read online are thinkers... and for some, life hurts more than it might those who are less self-aware or who have mentally 'checked-out.' The internet itself, while it creates some distance, I think it brings together people in more ways than it separates. How often do you hear people in "RL" discussing suicide or mentioning thinking about it? Probably a lot less than you hear such things online. The HP fandom, too, while it does have its older demographic, has a lot of teens and young adults. Suicide's the third leading cause of death in the 15 to 24 age bracket. Combine teens, the internet, and a bonding force like the Harry Potter fandom and you've got a lot of personal talk going on in a forum that rarely exists in just one physical location.

Now, I've not heard of this fic author before, but thanks to your post, I'll go read his words now. As for the stories being unfinished, from the posting, it it almost sounds like rotschopf a.k.a. Ines might be finishing the stories at her discretion. Maybe not. I might have misunderstood. Whatever does happen with the stories, though, will take a while. It's natural to be frustrated and angry over the unfinished status... stories speak to us in ways that so few things in life can. An unfinished story is like being only able to read half the Secret of Life. But unfinished things have their places, too. From them, extend infinite possibilities... and though it is harder to tread your own path than it is to follow the path laid by another... there is no small reward in the undertaking.

Prior to your posting, I was annoyed that my computer network was forcing me to re-register my computer (and upgrade to XP SP2)... so I thank you for the chance to focus on other things this evening and to speak my mind here.

~Ice'is